love
I think that parents teach their children how to love and be loved. Mine taught me that loving someone means sacrificing yourself for them. Being loved means carrying the weight of that sacrifice.
Turning away from everything that defines who you are is the ultimate display of love. My parents had to reinvent themselves to love me. I tried my best to do the same to prove that I love them back.
I’m not very good at love because I don’t have the strength to carry the weight of other people’s ultimate sacrifice. I don’t like being loved because it reminds me that I’m an inherently selfish person. I don’t deserve love because I fail to reciprocate.
I wish I could meet a version of my parents who didn’t love me. I wish they loved me less so that I could get to know them. I wish that love didn’t mean choosing between staying true to yourself or changing to be who you think the other person needs you to be.
-- M. --