guilt
I'm sobbing over a google image search of a little stuffed monkey at 3am on a Thursday. Do you remember when we used to spend hours playing pretend with our stuffed animals? Your toys and mine existed in a beautiful world only you and I understood. We gave all of them distinct personalities, back stories, and exciting adventures. I miss that.
Suddenly, I'm transported back to my high school bedroom and I see my teenage self sobbing as well. You moved out in the middle of the night after another bad argument with our parents. I heard you walking down the stairs with your bags then quietly closing the front door. I could've comforted you or stopped you or hugged you but I chose to do nothing.
I wish I had a valid excuse for it. I knew I wouldn't see you again for a long time but I couldn't even let myself say goodbye. I was worried for your safety but I was too self absorbed to support you. I chose not to be there for you that night because I was busy thinking about how your absence would affect me. I was furious at you for leaving me alone with them.
I'm a year older than you but I think you have always been more emotionally mature than me. At 16 you had the guts and clarity to do what I had to force myself to at 23. I'm sorry you were robbed of an older sister. I'm sorry I acted annoyed every time you barged into my room to hang out. I'm sorry you had to force yourself in. I should've been outside with you. I'm sorry that I have closed myself off for so long.
I'm scared that we'll spend the rest of our lives stuck as twisted reflections of our parents. I don't want to protect myself from you like I do with them anymore. You are not one of them. I don't want you to think that I'm emotionally distant like him or volatile like her. I am not one of them.
We are meant to share a world and make beautiful memories together. I'm sorry it took me this long to realize that I have to put in effort to get us back to that. I promise I'll give you a hug soon. I hope it won't be too late. I don't want to miss you for the rest of my life.
-- M. --